Living Up to My Name♥

So, I decided to start a new book over this wonderful Christmas break :) It's craziness because of how on accident it was...but that is another story...for another time :)


The book- Having a Mary Spirit: Allowing God to Change Us from the Inside Out by Joanna Weaver (she also wrote Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World). Anyhowsers...I'm only in the second chapter and I already feel God's nudging...


SO... I decided to blog about it :) Go me :P


A lot of what was said in the book was pretty much just reiterating what I said the other day in my blog... I'll save you the monotonous details :) But one of the things that really stuck out to me was the fact that I was just praying about not being content in my relationship with Him. In the book Joanna started talking about how she doesn't know my situation and what God is walking me through...but that He is "stirring in you a divine discontentment--a hunger for something more, a desire to be something more." *ding ding ding* we have a winner! The next part got me too: "May I tell you that such spiritual discontentment is a gift from God? For He only stirs us when He wants to change us. He only makes us feel uneasy with where we are so we're willing to do whatever it takes to get where He is." With that, the tears came. God wants to do something in me... little ol' me... He has a plan bigger than I could even imagine... And He's stirring discontentment within me so that I'll follow Him to a whole new level. 


Mag-freakin-nificent. :) I'm stoked to see what He's going to do...


She closed the first chapter with this prayer that made me so happy I scrawled it in the back cover of my Bible...

Lord Jesus, I give You my life. I invite You to have Your way in me. Take me and break me. Shake me and make me. Fill me and spill me. Change me and rearrange me. But whatever You do, Lord...don't leave me the same. Spirit of wisdom and revelation, I welcome Your work. Open my eyes so I can see... my ears so I can hear... I choose truth over comfort, challenge over complacency. Lord, make me forever Yours. And most of all, make me like You. Amen.

I'm justa breathing... ♥

 

 

 

"What is Love? Baby, don't hurt me..."♥

I am a typical teenage girl (even though it's only for a few more hours *sadface*). I love movies like Titanic, A Walk to Remember, The Notebook, The Last Song, and so many more. The problem is the fact that these movies give us teenage girls *and adult women as well* very skewed definitions of love. I'm sure if you asked girls today what love is...so many of them would get shiny eyes and tell a story they've heard before... Even little girls are given fairytales and told that one day their prince charming will come. Cinderella had Prince Charming, Fiona had Shrek...think of all of the sweet stories... there was always an amazingly wonderful man.

A couple of my guy friends have called these books and movies "emotional porn" and in all honesty, it truly is...

I feel like I've blogged all of this before...

so i'll skip ahead...

What is love?

1 Corinthians 13 says it best... but how often to we truly examine what it says? Everyone has it quoted at weddings, people get it tattooed, we all read it and think about "The One."...but we never tear it apart and work at showing each individual characteristic of love...

I. Love is Patient

II. Love is Kind

III. It does not envy

IV. It does not boast

V. It is not proud

VI. It is not rude

VII. It is not self-seeking

VIII. It is not easily angered

IX. It keeps no record of wrongs

X. Does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth

XI. Always protects

XII. Always trusts

XIII. Always hopes

XIV. Always perseveres. 

We should take our relationships and honestly ask ourselves what it means to love... 

I know I don't add up...

...breathing

I'm IN Love♥

A woman sits on the floor in front of a Man. As she talks she watches the curve of His nose, the way His mouth forms words, she watches Him talk with His hands and smiles everytime He looks her in the eyes. In the hustle and bustle of a busy day her sister is preparing dinner. Out of frustration she yells to the Man to tell her sister to get up and help. A look of shock crosses the face of the Man as well as the woman cross-legged on the floor. As she begins to get up off of the floor the Man places a hand on her shoulder and tells her to stay where she is. Shaking His head He turns to her sister... "...you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. [Your sister] has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." With that He turns and begins speaking again to those around Him.

Another day that very same Man is having dinner at the home of a very rich, very powerful man. A very poor woman walks into the room with a beautiful jar full of sweet smelling oil. As she walks behind the Man she begins sobbing. She drops to her knees and cries at His feet. He can feel every single tear land and slide down His ankle, leaving a clean streak on His dirty, dusty foot. Still gasping for her breath she begins to wipe the tears and dirt away with her long, beautiful, dark hair. Everyone at the table stares at the woman as she begins kissing the tops of the Man's feet. As she opens the beautiful jar of oil, she doesn't notice the perplexed faces and whispers all around her. She goes about her business pouring the oil on His feet. The Man notices the blank stares and hears the whispers. After telling a short story He turns to the man who invited him for dinner and says, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you , her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."

Tonight I started thinking about the kind of attitude I have. I started thinking about what woman from the Bible I wish I could base my life on. Since it is me we're talking about, I couldn't pick just one...

The first woman (story 1) is who I want to be mentally. Her name is Mary and her busy sister-Martha. All too often I worry myself with little things in life. I get bent out of shape about what all NEEDS to be done. I'm always concerned with being organized and making sure people are comfortable. Although having a servant heart like Martha is a really good thing, there is also a place where the line should be drawn. Martha was consumed by what she believed needed to be done that she missed the wonderful opportunity to just sit and listen to Jesus speak.
        I want to sit at His feet and soak up everything He says. I want to not be bothered by the world. I want to be so lost in Him that everything else disappears. (Story from Luke 10:38-42)

The second woman (story 2) is who I want to be actively. Sadly, the Bible doesn't say her name. She is only refered to as "a sinful woman." I am that sinful woman, but sadly my actions have been far from what hers were. She knew that there was something wonderful about this Man. She knew that He and He alone could save her from who she was and the past that she had. I want to be like her
         I want to be so overcome with love for Him that I will pour myself out completely to Him. I want to give Him the most important parts and most expensive parts of my life (see Alabaster Box♥ blog from a couple months ago). I want to serve Him no matter who looks at me and who whispers at me behind my back. I want to give Him all that I have.


If you could be anyone from the Bible...who would it be and why? God's doing something in me... I'm not entirely sure what it is...but I'm excited. Pray with me and for me... Pray that I become these two women...

And here's my prayer for you:
    Dear Papa,
  Thank you for another wonderful day. Thank you for my amazing church family and my amazing friends. Thank you for people that read my blog regularly. Thank you for people that stumble upon it. God, I pray that whoever is on the receiving end of this... that something in this touches them. God, I pray that they search Your Word and find the man or woman that they either relate to or would like to relate to. I pray for those who may not care about You or even not believe in You... maybe lost hope years ago... but are for some reason still reading... I pray that you touch them. Thank you for what you're doing. You're up to something bigger than me...

Amen♥

...take a breath... slow down... breathe.♥

Consulting the Comforter♥

I love snow...
Flurries too...

But anyways-not my point...

God seems to find ways to punch me at least weekly...this week, well today, He didn't have to punch me *for the first time ever* He just gently nudged me...That in itself is a HUUUUUGE deal...

anyways...

What may you ask am I speaking of?

Not going to Him with things. I always say the expected "Oh, definitely, i'll pray about it." or "Hey can you pray for me...I really need His help."... but sadly, that has become a copout....
More often than not I say a quick "God help me" prayer without really searching for His reply. As of late, I have made a lot of decisions without truly consulting Him... Sad isn't it?

Here He is...caring about ever single decision that i have to make in my life... He knows my EVERY thought and care... He tells me not to worry because HE has control... yet.... what do I do? Talk to mere people about things... instead of consulting HIM.

:( Hm... Not only is the weather changing... But my attitude is as well...

*cheers* Here's to consulting Him with EVERYTHING...

...learning to breathe....♥

my passion-meet me though this post...

I'm pouring my heart out to you people... I may cry... You may tear up... But I need this...

God changed my life a few summers ago. We attended a summer retreat in Texas... The Arlington Project. I had previously taken two years of Spanish in high school (didnt pay attention a lick because i wouldnt need it *yeaaaaah...whatever*). Anyhow- one specific day we were doing a childrens ministry in a Hispanic apartment complex. As we were going door to door many of the people spoke English...we were on our LAST DOOR and the lady in there couldnt speak English at all. We struggled with her for about 10 minutes trying to explain what we were doing. She had a younger boy *cute as a button* and an older boy...probably around 14 or so. After trying and trying and trying to explain...stumbling with the little bit of Spanish that my group knew... the older boy stood up and said, "It's okay--I got this." and he started telling his mom *in Spanish* what we were TRYING to say. "WAAAAIT a second! You speak English!?" was all that I could say. He just laughed and said yeah.

He changed my life. A little while later we were hanging out in the center of the complex hanging out with all of these precious Hispanic kids... they clung to me... they sat in my lap and twirled my hair... they tried to take me home with them.

They changed my life.

Since then God has been laying them on my heart. I decided to just surrender to Him and give Him whatever it was that was making me feel that connected to those specific people.

Slowly, He began molding my passion for Hispanic people... specifically Mexicans. I'm only in my first year of Spanish since then...

At least once a week I come across a Hispanic family in Jtown or even here. Everytime i do... my heart swells.

Tonight reminded me why God has given me this fire...

Randi, Jacob, and I decided to go eat at Tampicos. We were in a booth behind this PRECIOUS little boy and his mom. He looked at me and...well...my heart melted. I waved at him and he smiled and hid his face. When he looked at me again I said boo... thus the beginning of a long game of peeky boo :)

I cried... thats all i could do... cry. I listened to him and his mom talk and i could pick up bits and pieces of what they were saying. That in itself was beautiful to me. These people that I love... the culture that I so badly want to be a part of... I could understand the language!
It was beautiful.

So, I kept crying.

When we were leaving, I asked the man who waited on us if the little boy could speak both English and Spanish and he said yes. As soon as the kids go to school, they come back and know English as well as they do Spanish. We talked about my passion for the language and how I want to be fluent. He gave me hope that once i'm immersed... it will come easier.

I was already ready to cry more...

but here's the kicker...

When i was leaving...i waved bye to the little boy... He smiled and started blowing me kisses...

That was beautiful.

All through high school... my heart was here at WBC. Last semester... my heart was here at WBC. Now? My heart is in Mexico... I've never been...but I KNOW that God didn't give me this passion for no reason. I KNOW without a shadow of doubt that He has a plan for me and it includes my precious Mexican babies.

As much as I love it here... my heart isnt in it anymore...

I'm ready for my life to begin there... with the people that I love so dearly...

taps me on the shoulder, over and again♥

Where are you and what are you doing when you feel closest to God?

Church, singing along with the praise band? Or maybe even working with a certain people group? Maybe in a field of daisies?

I'm in the rain...

When I was going through a really rough four, almost five, year depression... I would always repeat the same line everytime it rained... "I walk in the rain cause no one can ever tell I'm crying." Oddly enough-It still rings true today...even after overcoming that point in my life. Except now? Now those tears are of joy...because I have never felt so close to Him.

I was talking with a friend a couple weeks ago about why I love the cold, windy days and the wet, rainy days... It's because I feel Him so much closer. It's as though the wind are His hugs and the rain is Him tapping me on the shoulder telling me He loves me.

The God of this Universe, the One who shaped every tree and painted every sunset, the One who parted waters and raised the dead back to life, the One who formed me with His OWN HANDS... HE LOVES ME

Wow...

So...when the wind rustles through the trees and you cuddle a little deeper into your coat... remember that He's hugging you.

When the rain taps your window and frizzes up your hair... remember that is Him...He's tapping you on the shoulder screaming at the top of His lungs that HE loves you...

Pathetic, sad, scared little me....

HE LOVES ME.

breathing in has never felt so wonderful... ♥

walks, talks, and convictions.♥

Do you ever feel as though God is punching you in the face? Welcome to my world.

Today, October 24, 2011....is one of those face punching days.

I have so much! I have a wonderful family, sure...a little dysfunctional, but they are truly great. I have my college education almost entirely paid for by scholarships. I have 2 jobs that both pay pretty well. I have a car that gets me from point a to point b. I have wonderful friends who love me.

I have so much, yet I am so dissatisfied....

It's truly sad. Instead of being content in Christ, I'm searching for contentment through things and people. Instead of finding my identity in Him, I'm trying to be the American dream. Frankly, the American dream...is more of a nightmare.

Recent conversations have made me realize that my life....it has been fairly easy.... Yes, I've had my struggles. Yes, I've had my low points, but God has brought me out of those. He has given me so many opportunities to praise Him in the storm. He has given me so many opportunities to tell people my story...to give Him glory for getting me away from those things. But, sadly, I shy my face away and worry of what people will think.

How pathetic...

I am worried about what people will think. I'M worried.
Why?
Because they'll laugh at me...
       They laughed at Noah.
Because they'll call me names...
       They MOCKED Jesus.
Because they'll think I'm weird...
       We are called Aliens and Foreigners.
Because they'll persecute me...
        They MURDERED Him.

Wow... any others? I'm sure we can find a similar situation somewhere...

It's pathetic.

....but at least I'm learning. God is teaching me to be content in every situation...

HE is the silver lining. ♥

time management 101 ♥

"Time is our most valuable asset, yet we tend to waste it, kill it, and spend it rather than invest it."
                                                                                        -Jim Rohn


Today at work my boss pulled up a list of each driver and how many hours they have been on the road delivering. My hours were at 855. My curiosity got the best of me and i divided that 855 hours by the 24 hours that are in a day...35 DAYS i have been on the road in the past 10 months. Not 35 days i have been clocked in and getting paid...no...35 days alone just driving. A whole month out of the 10 months that i have worked at my job...i have been driving.

I started sobbing.

How do i spend that time i have in my car? That 10 minutes here....15 minutes there....30 minutes wayy over there. How do i spend it? Welp- i text a lot. Ohh, and i tweet. Um... i listen to the radio *mostly the trashy music that comes on the "popular stations."* I, uh, think...yeah! I make up stories in my head. And i talk to myself quite often. I think thats about it...

So, for 35 days straight i have texted.... tweeted....listened to music....made up stories...and kept myself company.

Wow.

What a waste of time.

How many times have I prayed...or even listened to the good radio stations...or maybe read a bible verse instead of a text message...or even tweeted something thoughtful and meaningful? Honostly... less than an hour all together...of 35 DAYS!

I feel like crap.

How have i managed my time this week? How have i managed those hours this week where life is silent and it is just me and my car? How much time this week have i spent with my Creator? How much time i have i spent in prayer? How much time have i taken out of my "busy schedule" to read His love letter to me? How much time have i spent telling others about Him? More importantly...have my actions and my time spent truly made a difference? Have they even showed others that i am even a believer?

Wow.

I know that today has been convicting for me... maybe this will convict you.

Try this week to set aside an hour...or maybe two....maybe just 15 minutes to see where your time could be managed better... and act on it. I know i will.

...breathing.

after girltalk reflections

hey yall! I know it has been a super long time since i last blogged, but this summer has been absolute craziness. From work work work all the time to float trips, road trips, and camping-been there, done most of it. In fact-dum duh duh dummm: guess who is going to the ocean in just a couple weeks? This girl!! But, that is a different story entirely. :)

okay-so, we went floating all day yesterday and then camped out last night. It was a bunch of my friends from back home. Holly, Celina, Meredith, Jordan, and his quirky awesome girlfriend named Meagan. Well, during our planning fiasco to attack him with ice while he was sleeping -:)- we got into some girl talk. Meagan was talking about how Jordan fit into everything on her list (personally i thought "lists" were only in movies...especially ones that people actually followed). I oohed and awwwed than just shrugged it off like i have been lately with the cute mushy gushy stuff.

Anyhow-tonight i was stuck in the dorm with just me, a laptop, and all of Nikki's movies. *lol* sooo, what did i do? watch movies-duh.

One of the movies i watched was HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. i thought it would be hilarious and make me not have to think about mushy gross lovey crap. WRONG! lol CUTEST MOVIE EVER *gagged then threw up cute little cupids with their dumb little arrows*. Anyhow at the end of the movie this was said:

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."

The underlined part is amazing to me. Sometimes I look so hard at the future that i'm not focused on the right now. I'm like "Oh, look God, he's cute-annnd He likes you...kind of....sometimes. He'll work though! I'll whip him into shape!" And God is up there shaking his head saying, "No, no, no... babygirl, just wait. Wait. Focus on me! i'm better than any guy you could possibly meet right now... And the man I have for you-oh me oh my, youre gonna love him...so just wait."

Through every crappy relationship i have had (and possibly still have to come) i'm going to remind myself that if God wants me married...he has someone completely and totally amazing in store...i just have to wait on His timing... and not my own.

*toasts my bottle of Coke* Here's to my first list. ♥

alabaster box ♥

today i woke up and got all pretty, pretty and headed to Wellspring only to discover that there was no one there *i thought they were all back from Haiti, guess not* welp, i decided that i didnt get all cute and everything only to go back to the apartment and put on pjs and watch movies until work.

so, what did i do? you guessed it! i went to jonesboro :D

I decided to have coffee with Jesus ♥

during coffee we talked about how i really needed a wonderful workbook to do this summer. one that would bring me closer to him and further from myself. after some pretty intense looking and thinking and praying i came across a book that immediately impressed me. it is called "Lady in Waiting: Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right." although i'm not really "waiting" for anything... i decided that it would be an amazing start to a deeper relationship with my Savior. :)

Lady of Reckless Abandonment
      The first chapter put a lot of detail on the woman in Mark 14 who poured perfume on Jesus' head. You know--the one that everyone was like "seriously? you wasted that costly perfume?! why?!" and only she and Christ truly understood her reasoning.
      I need to be like that. I need to give something worth even more to him...myself.

In Christ's time when a woman became old enough for marriage, her family would purchase an alabaster box for her to fill with precioius ointment. This was a part of her dowry. When a man asked for her to marry him, she would take the alabaster box and break it at his feet as a way to show honor.

The book asks repeatedly about my alabaster box. What is it full of? Fantasies about Cinderella stories? A sucessful career?

After a huge amount of thought I decided that my alabaster box is full of ideas of what i want in life. A husband, a steady career, money, a nice house, security, pretty close, happy children, a beautiful wedding, my daddy to be there to walk me down the aisle, putting my feet in the ocean, riding a plane, finishing college, all these things that are truly worthless.

My relationship with Christ is the only thing that should ever matter in my life. Right now i am choosing to break my alabaster box at his feet. I'm giving him all of my hopes, my dreams, my wants...everything. I am laying down everything to pursue a closer, more intimate relationship with him. ♥

I am committing to "devoting as much energy to Jesus as I would in a relationship with a boyfriend. I'm [going to fall] more in love with Jesus every day. I'm going to date Him, write notes to Him, and read His letter to me. His friends will be mine and I will introduce mine to Him. ♥ I'm ready to fall madly in love with my Savior.

capture my heart again

so, i think i figured out why i felt like God wanted me to stick around on campus this summer *p.s. for those of you who didnt know-i felt led to stay on campus instead of working at Siloam this summer. i felt like i was going for the wrong reasons and i just didnt feel at peace.*

He has so much work still to do in me...before i can even attempt to help others/minister to them. when i went to Nashville-He was working more on me than i felt like working through me *although i know He worked through all of us who went*

I have been so stagnant in my faith. even when things get better and i am doing my quiet time and everything... i'm still so incredibly stagnant that...i don't feel close to him.

I don't do this often...actually-i've never done it before...but i think that today is fitting.
i'm gonna let yall into a page of my prayer journal...

5/20 4:15pm
Papa,
    I'm grateful for who you are. i'm grateful for your forgiveness and your love. i'm grateful for your unending wonder. Thank you for being merciful. Thank you for your son. I'm just...i'm not getting any spiritual stimulation....i'm sick I'm spiritually sick and i dont feel like you are doing anything to remedy the situation.
 God, i know you love me...but why does it seem like you arent concerned with my measly problems? why do i feel so lost and disconnected? why don't i feel like spending time with you? why do i avoid spiritual conversations? why don't i long for you? why have I moved so far away?
      Capture my heart again.

As sad as it is... it is the truth. I feel like i'm not getting any of the spiritual nourishment that i truly need. I definitely understand that this is my own doing. Yet i'm not doing anything MYSELF to remedy the situation. I'm blaming God.

it hasnt always been this way. i used to feel so close. i used to go to him with everything...he truly was my best friend. what happened? what is happening?

God-please capture my heart. I need to move back...i dont want to be far from you.

I think that is why i'm here. He is using this solitude to bring me closer to him. closer than i have ever been. closer and closer. i'm going to feel that closeness again.

Papa, please help me. strengthen me. i need to feel close to you again. ♥

pray that i breathe soon...

a change of direction--i need a compass ♥

earlier today i decided to take half of my college stuff home. because of our recent flooding--i took an alternate route....maybe 10 minutes into my drive Mr. Wilkie called.

if you know anything about my life this sememster, you know that i applied for three different positions. 2 on campus...1 off campus. the two on campus were quickly shot down *for reasons unknown to me* and the third was completely given up on. I assumed that since i didnt get either of the other two, i wouldn't get the Siloam job either. I wanted soooo bad to work at Siloam Springs camp!

Well, Mr. Wilkie asked me to work at Siloam this summer. Just last week i turned in my housing application for an apartment on campus...confliction!

I told him that i would pray about it and get back to him this week.

As i was praying and reading my Bible, i found a reoccuring theme--worldly treasures and worry. My entire reason for NOT wanting to go to Siloam has been because of financial issues. I wanted to pay my car off, i wanted to buy pretty things, i wanted to feel secure, i didnt want to have to worry about having to have my parents help this fall.

Two specific passages stuck out to me--Luke 12:34 and Matthew 6:26.

Luke 12:34 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

My thoughts are too focused on these "treasures." Car, cell phone, cute new clothes, boating trips, shopping, movies. If i keep my eyes focused on these things... my heart will end up there as well... And frankly, i dont want my heart in my treasures, i want it in my Treasure :)

Matthew 6:26 "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

My God cares for me! He wants what is best for me! He doesnt want me to worry and He doesnt want me to feel obligated to take care of things that He has taken care of. He takes care of the sparrows and the little bluejays and even the emus. He cares that much for them.... think about how much He cares for me :) what a wonderful thought ♥

So--here is my conclusion--i am going to talk to my boss and ask her if i can come back after Siloam is over. God has given me this opportunity for a reason. I remember how much my leaders at church camp and even the people that were just kinda there to talk to affected me... i want to be there like that for someone else. I pray that God uses me to help at LEAST one person while i am there. I pray that He grows me in relationships with people and that He helps me to make new friendships.

Thank you for caring enough to read :) ♥

Bucket List :)

The Bucket List of My Life♥

5) be an individual. be a leader. be authentic. ♥

4) ride a plane

3) put my feetsies in the ocean

2) my next (and all the others after that) kiss to be with the man who will be my Husband♥

1) make my God smile and say- "Good job, my good and faithful servant."

my life is different than what i expected, and that's okay with me♥

so, my life is different than what i expected as a child... isn't it like that for all of us? well-my story is a little bit different.

here was my plan...
go to college, meet someone my freshman year-date someone my sophmore year-get engaged my junior year-get married my senior year. of course he is suppose to be a youth minister. i'd eventually be a stay at home mom and grow old with my wonderful godly husband.

but that is the problem... MY plan. not God's plan.

wanna hear a secret? God has a way of changing your plans into His plans... not His into yours.

SURPRISE!

God is showing me that my plans need to coincide with His. His plans are way more amazing than i could ever imagine. all too often it is very hard for me to remember that, but i'm getting better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this isnt a different topic... but it is a little bit different... so, bear with! :)

we watched A Walk to Remember in my room a little bit ago. Everytime i watch that movie, i think about my non-existant bucket list. i want to have a list of things to do before i die. things that will make my life more exciting, more fulfilling, and ultimately more amazing.

so, in another blog...maybe tonight...maybe another night... i'm going to blog my top 5 (at least) of what i want in life.

stay excellent :) ♥

i'm no longer gasping for air to soothe my aching lungs♥

hello, hello, hello.

so, let me confess a little somethin somethin to my readers...
my little blog my quiet times idea--yeahhh....not happening.

this is NOT because of a lack of quiet times...but because of a lack of time for blogging

and i hear a resounding *gasp* from all the tortured poet coffee house bloggers.

yes...there is such a thing as no time for blogging. you should possibly find it.

bahha

different story completely-continuing on.

:)
But, i just wanted to fill yall in with what is currently controlling my thoughts-my time-my life.

rain.

umm--hellur?! doesnt everyone see the lake in their front yards...and back yards...roads...everywhere. i definitely understand that the rain is currently in a place where it is harming homes and lives--but, i still see the beauty in this rain.

Rain-to me-shows my God's love. Thunder shows His strength. And lightning shows his anger. All these qualities are my God.

My God's love--He sent His ONLY son for me. He didn't do it because He was obligated. No one was holding a gun to his head MAKING him do it. He did it because He wanted to. Even if i was the only person in the history of the world who would EVER come to know him... he would have still done it. THAT, my friends, is love!

My God's strength--He is MIGHTY! If you know me at all, you know that i refer to God as Papa. *as me why and i'll tell ya :) but as for right now--that story is slightly irrelevant.* I have such a relationship with God that i feel as though He is the perfect daddy. Ya know--the one that can kill the monsters and scare the storms away? Yup-thats him :) Well-when it thunders, it scares me. It makes me remember that he is always protecting me from whatever comes. I can crawl into his arms and shiver like a frightened child--He is always big enough to hold me close and His heart always beats in my ear...even though sometimes i run away and stop hearing it for a while.

My God's anger--His anger is righteous. He HATES what is evil. His lightning makes me remember that he can always smite me like the piece of crap that i am. I need to always be a God-fearing woman.

My God is alive!

Just to keep ya'll up to date--I'm currently doing 'Our Daily Bread' everyday as well as reading a chapter of Proverbs everyday *whichever correlates with the day of the month* I decided tonight to do an in depth study *on my own* of James. I have done kind of in depth studies of James before, and we did this semester at school--but i really feel like it is something that i need to do on my own...especially with my new Bib Interp knowledge :)

So, right now...i'm still learning how to breathe. I'm no longer gasping for something to soothe my aching lungs. God is here. He isn't ever leaving me--no matter now many times i leave him...He's always waiting for me with open arms.

the prodigal daughter has returned.

Day One!

Today has been absolutely amazing.

It's crazy how God can show you so much important stuff through the little things in life...

So why has it been so fantastic?
Let me tell you...

Well, this morning...it was raining. Haha, most mornings that would just be a drag...having to get up and go to class and trudge through all of the lakes between here and the Maddox...
BUT, i woke up late. Normally, that would be the end of life as I knew it..i mean...me? Skip my psych class? BUUUT, then i remembered that my class was cancelled :) Amazin thing number 1 :)

So, i skipped theatre apprec, because i just didnt have enough time to get ready. So, Dee, Randi, and I all laid in bed and talked. Amazin thing number 2 :)

THEN--I went to workstudy and decided on my new plan for my blog. And blogged a bit. Then, i got really distracted by the rain... Grace like rain popped in my head. All i could think about was how truly amazing God is... He didn't HAVE to die for me... He didnt HAVE to do anything for me... He didnt NEED me... He WANTED me. Amazing thing number 3 :)

After classes and homework Becca and Nick and I were going to head to Jonesboro for tattoo time :) But surprise to me--Callison and Ashley came too. At first i was kind of like, oh great, i'm going to be all awkwardly left out and stuff....but i was included. Amazing thing number 4 :)

Then i got my tattoo :) People have been asking me up and down why on earth i got a lightbulb. Well, let me tell you ♥
            "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
                                              -Matthew 5:14-16
My lightbulb is a reminder of my calling in life. Christ said in Matthew 28:19-20, "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything i have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." I am suppose to be that light. Why would i choose to put my tattoo in a place where i would cover it up? I put it on a stand so that it will remind me to give light to everyone in my "house." As i am going, i am going to try my hardest to allow God to use me to make disciples. Amazing thing number 5 :)

At the restaurant I shared my testimony and then on the way home, Nick shared his. God has given us these wonderful stories of salvation, yet...how often do we share them? I feel like when i tell people my story...i am giving them a piece of my heart. not only am i giving them a piece of my heart, but i am giving them a mere glimpse of my Father's heart. As we tell our stories, we are connecting with people in a way that is unachieveable any other way. I am building Godly relationships with these people. Amazing thing number 6 :)

And last but not least, Amazing thing number 7 :)
--God is building relationships with me and other Christians. I feel like lately my conversations and friendships have been monotonous. My conversations have been anything but Christian. Before tonight...when was the last time i had a good Jesus talk over dinner? Sadly, i cannot even remember... Christ is suppose to be my focal point at ALL TIMES. yet, He rarely is. This is changing. Thats that. If i have to change my friendships, if i have to change my thoughts, if i have to change my actions, if i have to change my "lunchbuddies"... so be it. Life is wonderful, and it has quite a lot to do with my fellowship with other believers.

Although this may not seem like a "quiet time," it WAS God time... which is the same thing to me. I'm listening to His faint voice right now. All i hear is Him getting louder and louder :)

...breathing♥

howdy ya'll :)

after many tears and angry faces, everything seems back to "normal." well, as normal as it can be with me...

This past few weeks has been a pretty difficult journey for me. I've stopped relying on God and I started putting my own idols above my relationship with Him. It's really pathetic because every single time, I know what I am doing and how it will hurt me in the end...yet I do it anyways.

My quiet time? --Nonexistant
My walk? --More of a trip and fall sequence
My faith? --Not in the right hands

So? What shall I do about it?

You guessed it... Blog.

This is where my readers come in...
yes, that would be ya'll. Der da der.

I have a plan--I love blogging, yes?
*resounding yes*
Well, I am going to blog my quiet times and link them to facebook...
Maybe then I'll be more apt to actually do one...and do one that is even minorly worthwhile.

And, let's say you don't care about my quiet time blogs? Ehh? Well, I'll keep writing my "normal" blogs...I'll just label them differently. My quiet time blogs will be labeled(sp?) Day One, Day Two... and so on and so forth. All my others will have their ohhhh so clever names :D

I'm not entirely sure who all reads my blog...but maybe you need some quiet time too...if so, don't rely on mine. I am, by no means, a scholar... Half of what I say (or even more) can be totally off kilter, it's my thoughts and my feelings. Remember that :)

I love ya,ll...a whole bunch of hearts. Sooo, keep reading.

i'm gonna let God....
....teach me to breathe... ♥

DO NOT ENTER, UNLESS YOU WANT THE TRUTH!

i'm tired of liars.
i'm tired of thieves
i'm tired of people who want to act perfect.
i'm tired of people who pretend to be your friend then stab you in the back.
i'm tired of people who purposely irritate you and then say sorry.
i'm tired of people who arent real.

it's pathetic, but it seems to me like the most legit people are the nonChristians and the fake ones are "Christians". shouldnt that be the other way around? shouldnt people see the Christians as being legit and the fake people being fake?

i know it sounds bad... but... if i didnt find Christ before i found "Christians" i probably wouldnt be one.

i know it sounds bad... but... if i found "friends" before i found these "friendships" i would still be a loner... but this time by choice.

a letter to you...♥

Dear You,
 If you are reading this...I applaud you to begin with, obviously you cared enough to click the little link button. If you want a secret, that is why I'm going to link this to facebook...so I have even the slightest chance to tell you what I think and how I feel.

 I like you. Surprise! You already knew that though, right? I mean, not that it has been obvious at all *eye roll*. But I'm not entirely sure how I like you...if that makes sense. I like that you love my dear, dear Papa. I like that you like boy stuff *as weird as that sounds*. I like that I feel comfortably uncomfortable around you. I like that you pray...for me.
BUT...
I don't know you, know you. It makes me feel pathetic. I can listen to you talk day and night...yet...I never get the chance. When I do get a second to ask you about your life and where you came from and everything... I freeze up. Thank God for comfortably uncomfortable, right?

 So, I'm not entirely sure if I'm writing this to tell you that I like you...or that I want to get to know you more... but no matter... I still sound decently pathetic.

But that's okay...because this is only a blog. And my readers are just people... people that probably understand exactly what I am going through.

I'm praying for you. :)

Your Not-So-Secret *anymore* Admirererererererer ;)
--MaryJane

...breathing...

i dont really have time now to type... but i have something to say. i already posted my facebook status...sooo ill say it on here...

i realized something this morning. something i have greatly faultered at:

Modesty is more than clothes.
even more than actions.

its a matter of speech as well.

Girls (boys too), we need to watch the things we say--they may affect another person in a way that causes them to stumble.

that is all for now.
--MJ

fluffy white flakes from Heaven ♥

"Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool."
                                                                                           -Isaiah 1:18

everyone says that every snowflake that falls is different. God must have a pretty incredible imagination...right now there is snow falling across arkansas. there is even snow in Texas. Across the United States there is snow in places we NEVER thought snow would fall. Alaska always has snow...theres snow at the north pole. there is soooo many flakes of snow across the world right now...

but every snowflake is different.

God is taking the time right now to get His snow scissors out and cut every single solitary one to be different.

if He cares that much to make snowflakes special...how much more does that say about my being special to Him?

i've realized that for the past few weeks i have been very very negative. lately i havent been as impressed by God's amazingness...and this seriously needs to change.

I told Him yesterday that i just wanted him to amaze me...that i needed something to just put me in an amazing mood. i had a wonderful conversation during breakfast. i read someones blog that brought me to my senses. i went to the post office to check my mail *which is usually empty* and found a check. enough money to pay 1/4th of my car off, get my haircut, have some cash, and still put some in the bank. i went to work and got tipped pretty well. came back to school and slept wonderfully. and now today... i'm sitting here staring at the beauty of snow.

if you're still reading by now...i applaud you...
i'm going to step off my soap box now.

i'm just grateful that God amazes me when i start to stop caring and stop feeling His power.

i'm breathing...and staring at the snow :)

my life is changing and i'm powerless to stop it♥

my life is changing and i'm powerless to stop it...
and for once i'm enjoying being powerless.

i'm figuring out who matters and who doesnt.

i think i shall start another blog. or a twitter.

a slight change of direction♥

hey yall! i know it has been forrreevvverrr since i blogged and i'm genuinely sorry...
but-ive been pullin a Jonah

God has been laying missions on my heart for the past couple months now. it seems like everytime i turn around and forget about His pushing me towards that-He throws up another reminder for me. finally-today i had the last straw. i called my mom and told her that i felt like God was wanting me to change my  major. She, in turn, had me call my Pastor who sent me on a mission to get ahold of my old youth minister. I talked to Becca as well, discussed it with my roommate and suitemates and now i'm telling you-- my readers/creepers/followers.

why you may ask do you care?

welp-i would really appreciate prayer. missions is something that i never ever pictured myself doing. i like things to be just so-so and i like everything to be preplanned and definate and...well-secure. i think that is  my biggest issue--security. but, i know that He will take care of His children... so why am i so scared?

because i'm human.
thats it...
my only explanation.

anyhowsers--i need yall to keep me in your prayers. just ask that He reveal His plans for me.
thanks for the encouragement of reading my blogs and if you want--shoot me a message on here, facebook me, text me... and let me know that you are prayin for me. i'll keep you updated.

love yall :)
♥
God has a funny way of teaching us to breathe...

my letter---

Dear You,
whether or not you believe me...i understand... but you really dont. i want to tell you so much, but it would make things worse. i'm sorry that apparently no one is what you want and what you need...i tried...but until youre ready to jump into a REAL friendship--youre never going to get what you want and need. yes it hurt...but i'm okay...and i pray you will be. i'm always here...no matter what happens or how bad you might piss me off. friendship CAN be one sided...and as of right now i'm here...are you gonna meet me halfway or not?... i love you...
--mary.

Dear One Who Wont Own Up,
you fooled me. i reaaaaally hope you understand how good of a liar you are. i know...about it. and why we dont talk anymore...but, welp, i cant help if you dont talk... you really had me fooled--congratulations. please own up to who you are...
--mary.

Dear You That I Love,
I dont know you yet...well, i dont think i do-maybe i do, but, yeahh....this is confusing. I just want you to know that i worry about you. I love you. I hope you arent 'waiting' for me... cuz...well, waiting implies that youre not growing. I pray that you grow in your relationship with God every single day. i already think you are wonderful. ♥ And i'm trying to be the woman HE wants me to be...
I'll Be Seeing You--
Your Gonna Be Wifey :)
--Mary Jane

dreaming--and breathing♥

okay guys (and gals), i watched a pretty good movie tonight--Dinner for Schmucks. you might not believe it...but this movie truly inspi[red] me. towards the very end of the movie one of the main characters--Barry(Steve Carell) gave a speech with his mice[trust me, i could never explain--just trust me on this one. haha] his speech is as follows:

"A thousand years ago, the only people on earth were monkeys, and they said, 'We'll never walk erectis. We'll never use tools. We'll never talk.' And then one monkey said. 'Oh yeah? Well I'm talking right now!' That monkey was a dreamer. (okay--monkeys into people=dumb...but just...keep reading)Fast forward 500 years. The Wright brothers decide to make themselves a flying machine. 'You fools! You idiots! What's your problem?' everyone shouted, 'That will never work because plywood weighs more than air!' To which the Wright brothers responded, 'No, it doesn't.' The Wright brothers were dreamers.
The earl of sandwich and Sir Francis Bacon. Had it not been for them, the BLT would merely be lettuce and tomato. They were dreamers, and sandwichmakers...Vincent Van Gogh. Everyone told him, 'You only have one ear. You cannot be a great artist.' And you know what he said? 'I can't hear you.' Van Gogh was a dreamer...Louis Pasteur turned cheese into medicine...Benjamin Franklin. People said, 'You can't fly a kite in a rainstorm,' and Ben Franklin said, 'Yes you can, if you have an electric kite.'
parents encourage their children to be realistic...to try, try, try because in order to be something--you have to try...they tell us that we have to do what it takes to get to the top... but RARELY do they ever tell us to be dreamers.

do you think that George Washington merely tried to become the first president? do you think he tried because he wanted to get to the top? sure of course he did--but you know what else he did? he DREAMED!

in society today kids are being told to be realistic--what ever happened to being creative? having an imagination? following your dreams?

i told my Daddy when i was in 7th grade that i DREAMED to go to Williams...he told me to be REALISTIC--that Williams was too costly. guess what? i'm living my DREAM...

too often being realistic tears a hole in dreams... we need to dream... we need to be creative... we need to be inspi[red].

i refuse to 'be realistic' i'd rather dream...

...i'm breathing.

dear boy...

Dear Boy,

i know you probably wont ever see this...but it makes me feel better. i pray for you. i pray for your situation. you arent stuck. you made a decision-that decision has consequences. that baby girl is by NO means a mistake...but she is a consequence of a decision that YOU made. she is your world...anyone who has eyes can see that. don't let the fact that you are in this predicament decide where you live and the life you lead. you CAN amount to something. you WILL amount to something. and just remember that that beautiful baby girl is watching you...shes gonna watch the person that you become--make her proud.

one more thing...you need to STOP looking at things that are so far out of your grasp. look at something right here-right in front of your face. you want the trophy wife. you keep going after these girls that are trouble...why cant you open your eyes and see whats been right in front of you for years?

love, maryjane ♥