identity: the journey

Identity: condition or character as to who a person or what a thing is; the qualities, beliefs, etc., that distinguish or identify a person or thing

The problem with describing your identity is the confusing difference between what/who you already are and what/who you aspire to be.

Example- I would easily identify myself as a free spirit, however I’m actually a worrier. A true free spirit wouldn’t be also classified as a worrier.

I’m not wrong in saying that I’m a free spirit... I’m just moreso in the “under construction” phase of my journey. Same with my walk with God. I’m not wrong in saying that I’m a Christian, however my identifier would better be prodigal. Because I’m working back towards him.

But it’s not bad or wrong to be “aspiring” or “under construction.” In fact- I would venture to say that it’s better. It’s better to be growing rather than to become complacent.

So, I guess I’ve found my answer....

I, Mary Jane, am a people watching, crazy cat lady. I am a starry eyed prodigal. I am an aspiring artist, and I am always under construction.

What’s your identity? 

❤️-coffeetalks 

The View from the Top

James and I went hiking today and he taught me a very important lesson.

As we were walking up this mountain I kept telling him to go ahead and that I would catch up with him at the top. I wanted him to walk with me, but I knew that my chubby, short legs were holding him back. You see, here is a little known fact about my dear husband- the man is basically a mountain goat. He has long and strong legs that power him up hills and mountains in less than half the steps it takes me. 

Even with all of my complaining and begging for him to go ahead, he stayed. He was either a few steps ahead, or a few steps behind me for the entire trek up our portion of the Appalachian Trail. 

When we reached the clearing we saw a beautiful view. There were mountains as far as the eye could see. Nothing but blue skies all the way. There was wind rustling through the leaves in the trees and even a short distance away there were a few college aged girls singing "Oceans" by Hillsong. It was magnificent. 

We stopped at the top for over an hour. We wrote in our journals, had some real talk, and just enjoyed nature. It was one of the best days I've had in a long time.

So why am I telling you all this? What is that very important lesson that I learned?

Life is one big huge mountain range. There are ups and downs. There are good times and there are bad times. If anyone knew me around 5 years ago, they would have known that I was absolutely on fire for God. I was having quiet times every day, I was consistently going to church, I felt closer to Him than I ever thought possible. People that know me now would never have any clue that I used to be that person. I mean, I'm not living a horrible life, we still go to church, but I don't have that fire that I used to have. I was on a mountain... now I'm in a valley. 

The funny thing about mountains? When you get to the top and you see the view- all of the blood, sweat, and tears are worth it. You don't want to go back down because you enjoy the top so much. But at the end of the day you walk back down the mountain. The way down is pretty easy. You still get tired, but it isn't as difficult as the way up was. That's life. When you are trying to get closer to God, it's hard. Sometimes you cry, you lose some blood along the way. He molds you into a stronger person with every step that you take. When you get to the top- you are so excited to just be in His presence that you never want to go back down to the valley. But eventually you take a couple steps down. You can still see the view, but there are some trees blocking the way. Then a couple more steps. Then a few more. Before you know it-you're back at the bottom. The mountain looks so daunting from the valley. As pretty as that view was, you know how hard it was the first time.

That's where I am in life. I'm sitting in the valley looking longingly at the mountaintop. But God- he's like my husband. He will stay with me the entire way up, never more than just a few steps away because He is so excited to show me the beauty and see my face when I get to the top. 

Today, I decided that I'm going to hike back up the mountain. It's going to be tough, and I'm going to get tired and I'm going to want to give up. But I'll have two hands holding mine all the way to the top. My husbands... and my God's. I will find that view again. 

...today my husband taught me an important lesson about learning to breathe...

Forgiveness: A Letter to the Boy who Raped Me

Dear Boy,
 Notice that I didn't refer to you as a man. No, this isn't a jab at your masculinity or saying that because of what you did- you aren't worth being called a man. I call you boy because that is what you were at the time. You were a hurting boy. You needed to feel loved and wanted it so much that you were forceful. Since that time... you've grown up into a wonderful man. So- why am I bringing up something that should be left in the past? Because I am still stuck in the past. I still have nightmares. There are moments when I can't allow my husband to love me and make love to me because I have flashbacks to seeing the tears fall down my own face in that window. I bring this up because at one time, I was able to forgive you. At one time, we talked through it and we worked through it. But for whatever reason, that dumbass devil keeps bringing it back up and torturing me with it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you were hurting so bad. I'm sorry that you felt that doing something like that would make you feel better. I'm sorry for any pain that it has caused you throughout the years. We were young. You were different. You've grown and changed. You love the Lord now and you are doing amazing things with your life and I am so incredibly proud of you. But I want you to know that I HATE the person that you were. I hate that you ruined me. I hate that I am living with issues that began 10 years ago and for whatever reason in the world- I can't work through them. But I don't hate you. I hate the situation. I went to a doctor today. A doctor that is going to help me get better. A doctor that knows the cause of all of the medical issues that I have- one that has the answers. During the initial consultation we talked about the three things that I have to fix in order for me to get healthy. 1- Physical. I have to fix physical toxins in my body. 2- Chemical. I have to rid my body of the chemical toxins that I face every day. 3- Emotional. I have to rid my brain of the emotional toxins that haunt me. If I don't fix all of these areas... I will die. I'll die before I hit 30. He has the means to help me with the physical and chemical, but it is up to me to fix the emotional toxins. You, boy, you are the biggest emotional toxin I have in my life. I have to find a way to forgive you and come to terms with everything that happened. Because of the fact that our lives are different now, I don't feel comfortable talking to you face to face, or even through a simple text. I apologize that this is my only way to speak with you. I forgive you. I do. I forgive you for the things that you did to me. I forgive you for feeling as though that was the only way that you could feel loved. I forgive you for the person that you were. Every time that Satan tries to throw those memories into my face, I promise that I will forgive you again. It will take some time and I promise that when I see you again I will silently whisper that I forgive you. Because, boy, forgiveness doesn't happen over night. Sometimes forgiveness takes time and effort. I forgive you. I do. I forgive you. 

And to the man you are now. I'm glad that you grew up. 

Sincerely, 
The Girl that Grew into a Woman.

....this is my way of remembering to breathe...

A Crazy Beautiful Life♥

I know, it has been entirely too long since I wrote last! Life has been life, ups and downs... Crazy yet beautiful.


The most beautiful of all? Grace...
Love...
God. 


I've felt lately that my relationship with God has been stagnant. I have, however, been keeping up adamantly with my quiet time. *thumbs up* But doing my quiet time without truly growing and learning and collecting is kind of running in circles. 


But yesterday... dear yesterday. It was magnificent. From the time I woke up I felt that He was up to something. As I was getting ready I felt Him tugging at me, telling me that my thoughts weren't focused in the right place. I made a quick entry in my journal about how I've felt lately that idols have taken over my life and that was why i was stagnant. 


At church I was attentive and the same point that has been brought to mind multiple times this week was the fact that He has given us all amazing gifts. Gifts that He truly PRE THOUGHT to give us. What are some gifts He's given you? My "spiritual gifts" have remained the same since I was very, very small. Every spiritual gifts assessment has come to the same conclusion: encouragement. How often do I encourage people? Not often. There is even an encouragement team here on campus. Am I a part of it? Nope. I've failed in being an encouraging person. In general in life what are your gifts that can be used for His glory? Mine? Piano, I'm not amazing, but with practice I could use it for Him. Even if I never played a lick for anyone else, I could use it as my own personal worship. Photography. I'm by no means a photographer, but He has given me an eye for seeing beauty in the little things. How many times have I had the opportunity to bring the little things into big light for others to be able to admire as well? Not often. I'm sure if I sat and truly dug into my abilities I could use every one to bring glory to God, yet I rarely do. 


At an old music school I used to go to we used to sing a song that went like this, 

I have a talent, I use it for the Lord. I have a talent, I use it for the Lord. If I do not use it, I will surely lose it! I have a talent, I use it for the Lord.

It's funny, because since this whole gifts thought has been in my head, that song has been playing on repeat. Ask anyone that has been with me, I sing it all the time. God has been laying this on my heart, and He used yesterday to really punch it into my head. 

NEXT part... Yesterday I decided to use my "talent" of adding butter and an egg to premade cookie mix to make a few cookies for church last night. I didn't really think that people would enjoy them as much as they did, but i was asked to make them again. That is a simple ministry that God can use me for. Something as small as making cookies Sunday afternoons to bring to church Sunday night is seemingly small, but to those who enjoy the cookies is a great happy maker.
 THEN... At Sunday night church Josh led us in a close knit Bible discussion. We read piece by peace through Acts 1-2 and just asked questions and talked it out. Through one of our minor rabbit chases we began talking about baptism and the importance of it. As a young un I was baptized, but to me *not truly being a Christian at the time* i was just going swimming and doing what everyone else was doing. There was no real importance or meaning in it. In our discussion we talked about that very same issue and I felt convicted. I went to Mark afterwards and told him what was going through my mind. Huzzah, guess who's getting rebaptized? 


God used yesterday... a simple, regular day to show me so much. I feel like i'm making progress... God obviously has something huge planned for me in my life. Something for His will and my good. 


I'm stoked to know what it is!


...It may be a little wheezy... but i'm learning to breathe...

 

Living Up to My Name♥

So, I decided to start a new book over this wonderful Christmas break :) It's craziness because of how on accident it was...but that is another story...for another time :)


The book- Having a Mary Spirit: Allowing God to Change Us from the Inside Out by Joanna Weaver (she also wrote Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World). Anyhowsers...I'm only in the second chapter and I already feel God's nudging...


SO... I decided to blog about it :) Go me :P


A lot of what was said in the book was pretty much just reiterating what I said the other day in my blog... I'll save you the monotonous details :) But one of the things that really stuck out to me was the fact that I was just praying about not being content in my relationship with Him. In the book Joanna started talking about how she doesn't know my situation and what God is walking me through...but that He is "stirring in you a divine discontentment--a hunger for something more, a desire to be something more." *ding ding ding* we have a winner! The next part got me too: "May I tell you that such spiritual discontentment is a gift from God? For He only stirs us when He wants to change us. He only makes us feel uneasy with where we are so we're willing to do whatever it takes to get where He is." With that, the tears came. God wants to do something in me... little ol' me... He has a plan bigger than I could even imagine... And He's stirring discontentment within me so that I'll follow Him to a whole new level. 


Mag-freakin-nificent. :) I'm stoked to see what He's going to do...


She closed the first chapter with this prayer that made me so happy I scrawled it in the back cover of my Bible...

Lord Jesus, I give You my life. I invite You to have Your way in me. Take me and break me. Shake me and make me. Fill me and spill me. Change me and rearrange me. But whatever You do, Lord...don't leave me the same. Spirit of wisdom and revelation, I welcome Your work. Open my eyes so I can see... my ears so I can hear... I choose truth over comfort, challenge over complacency. Lord, make me forever Yours. And most of all, make me like You. Amen.

I'm justa breathing... ♥

 

 

 

"What is Love? Baby, don't hurt me..."♥

I am a typical teenage girl (even though it's only for a few more hours *sadface*). I love movies like Titanic, A Walk to Remember, The Notebook, The Last Song, and so many more. The problem is the fact that these movies give us teenage girls *and adult women as well* very skewed definitions of love. I'm sure if you asked girls today what love is...so many of them would get shiny eyes and tell a story they've heard before... Even little girls are given fairytales and told that one day their prince charming will come. Cinderella had Prince Charming, Fiona had Shrek...think of all of the sweet stories... there was always an amazingly wonderful man.

A couple of my guy friends have called these books and movies "emotional porn" and in all honesty, it truly is...

I feel like I've blogged all of this before...

so i'll skip ahead...

What is love?

1 Corinthians 13 says it best... but how often to we truly examine what it says? Everyone has it quoted at weddings, people get it tattooed, we all read it and think about "The One."...but we never tear it apart and work at showing each individual characteristic of love...

I. Love is Patient

II. Love is Kind

III. It does not envy

IV. It does not boast

V. It is not proud

VI. It is not rude

VII. It is not self-seeking

VIII. It is not easily angered

IX. It keeps no record of wrongs

X. Does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth

XI. Always protects

XII. Always trusts

XIII. Always hopes

XIV. Always perseveres. 

We should take our relationships and honestly ask ourselves what it means to love... 

I know I don't add up...

...breathing

I'm IN Love♥

A woman sits on the floor in front of a Man. As she talks she watches the curve of His nose, the way His mouth forms words, she watches Him talk with His hands and smiles everytime He looks her in the eyes. In the hustle and bustle of a busy day her sister is preparing dinner. Out of frustration she yells to the Man to tell her sister to get up and help. A look of shock crosses the face of the Man as well as the woman cross-legged on the floor. As she begins to get up off of the floor the Man places a hand on her shoulder and tells her to stay where she is. Shaking His head He turns to her sister... "...you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. [Your sister] has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." With that He turns and begins speaking again to those around Him.

Another day that very same Man is having dinner at the home of a very rich, very powerful man. A very poor woman walks into the room with a beautiful jar full of sweet smelling oil. As she walks behind the Man she begins sobbing. She drops to her knees and cries at His feet. He can feel every single tear land and slide down His ankle, leaving a clean streak on His dirty, dusty foot. Still gasping for her breath she begins to wipe the tears and dirt away with her long, beautiful, dark hair. Everyone at the table stares at the woman as she begins kissing the tops of the Man's feet. As she opens the beautiful jar of oil, she doesn't notice the perplexed faces and whispers all around her. She goes about her business pouring the oil on His feet. The Man notices the blank stares and hears the whispers. After telling a short story He turns to the man who invited him for dinner and says, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you , her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."

Tonight I started thinking about the kind of attitude I have. I started thinking about what woman from the Bible I wish I could base my life on. Since it is me we're talking about, I couldn't pick just one...

The first woman (story 1) is who I want to be mentally. Her name is Mary and her busy sister-Martha. All too often I worry myself with little things in life. I get bent out of shape about what all NEEDS to be done. I'm always concerned with being organized and making sure people are comfortable. Although having a servant heart like Martha is a really good thing, there is also a place where the line should be drawn. Martha was consumed by what she believed needed to be done that she missed the wonderful opportunity to just sit and listen to Jesus speak.
        I want to sit at His feet and soak up everything He says. I want to not be bothered by the world. I want to be so lost in Him that everything else disappears. (Story from Luke 10:38-42)

The second woman (story 2) is who I want to be actively. Sadly, the Bible doesn't say her name. She is only refered to as "a sinful woman." I am that sinful woman, but sadly my actions have been far from what hers were. She knew that there was something wonderful about this Man. She knew that He and He alone could save her from who she was and the past that she had. I want to be like her
         I want to be so overcome with love for Him that I will pour myself out completely to Him. I want to give Him the most important parts and most expensive parts of my life (see Alabaster Box♥ blog from a couple months ago). I want to serve Him no matter who looks at me and who whispers at me behind my back. I want to give Him all that I have.


If you could be anyone from the Bible...who would it be and why? God's doing something in me... I'm not entirely sure what it is...but I'm excited. Pray with me and for me... Pray that I become these two women...

And here's my prayer for you:
    Dear Papa,
  Thank you for another wonderful day. Thank you for my amazing church family and my amazing friends. Thank you for people that read my blog regularly. Thank you for people that stumble upon it. God, I pray that whoever is on the receiving end of this... that something in this touches them. God, I pray that they search Your Word and find the man or woman that they either relate to or would like to relate to. I pray for those who may not care about You or even not believe in You... maybe lost hope years ago... but are for some reason still reading... I pray that you touch them. Thank you for what you're doing. You're up to something bigger than me...

Amen♥

...take a breath... slow down... breathe.♥