alabaster box ♥

today i woke up and got all pretty, pretty and headed to Wellspring only to discover that there was no one there *i thought they were all back from Haiti, guess not* welp, i decided that i didnt get all cute and everything only to go back to the apartment and put on pjs and watch movies until work.

so, what did i do? you guessed it! i went to jonesboro :D

I decided to have coffee with Jesus ♥

during coffee we talked about how i really needed a wonderful workbook to do this summer. one that would bring me closer to him and further from myself. after some pretty intense looking and thinking and praying i came across a book that immediately impressed me. it is called "Lady in Waiting: Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right." although i'm not really "waiting" for anything... i decided that it would be an amazing start to a deeper relationship with my Savior. :)

Lady of Reckless Abandonment
      The first chapter put a lot of detail on the woman in Mark 14 who poured perfume on Jesus' head. You know--the one that everyone was like "seriously? you wasted that costly perfume?! why?!" and only she and Christ truly understood her reasoning.
      I need to be like that. I need to give something worth even more to him...myself.

In Christ's time when a woman became old enough for marriage, her family would purchase an alabaster box for her to fill with precioius ointment. This was a part of her dowry. When a man asked for her to marry him, she would take the alabaster box and break it at his feet as a way to show honor.

The book asks repeatedly about my alabaster box. What is it full of? Fantasies about Cinderella stories? A sucessful career?

After a huge amount of thought I decided that my alabaster box is full of ideas of what i want in life. A husband, a steady career, money, a nice house, security, pretty close, happy children, a beautiful wedding, my daddy to be there to walk me down the aisle, putting my feet in the ocean, riding a plane, finishing college, all these things that are truly worthless.

My relationship with Christ is the only thing that should ever matter in my life. Right now i am choosing to break my alabaster box at his feet. I'm giving him all of my hopes, my dreams, my wants...everything. I am laying down everything to pursue a closer, more intimate relationship with him. ♥

I am committing to "devoting as much energy to Jesus as I would in a relationship with a boyfriend. I'm [going to fall] more in love with Jesus every day. I'm going to date Him, write notes to Him, and read His letter to me. His friends will be mine and I will introduce mine to Him. ♥ I'm ready to fall madly in love with my Savior.

capture my heart again

so, i think i figured out why i felt like God wanted me to stick around on campus this summer *p.s. for those of you who didnt know-i felt led to stay on campus instead of working at Siloam this summer. i felt like i was going for the wrong reasons and i just didnt feel at peace.*

He has so much work still to do in me...before i can even attempt to help others/minister to them. when i went to Nashville-He was working more on me than i felt like working through me *although i know He worked through all of us who went*

I have been so stagnant in my faith. even when things get better and i am doing my quiet time and everything... i'm still so incredibly stagnant that...i don't feel close to him.

I don't do this often...actually-i've never done it before...but i think that today is fitting.
i'm gonna let yall into a page of my prayer journal...

5/20 4:15pm
Papa,
    I'm grateful for who you are. i'm grateful for your forgiveness and your love. i'm grateful for your unending wonder. Thank you for being merciful. Thank you for your son. I'm just...i'm not getting any spiritual stimulation....i'm sick I'm spiritually sick and i dont feel like you are doing anything to remedy the situation.
 God, i know you love me...but why does it seem like you arent concerned with my measly problems? why do i feel so lost and disconnected? why don't i feel like spending time with you? why do i avoid spiritual conversations? why don't i long for you? why have I moved so far away?
      Capture my heart again.

As sad as it is... it is the truth. I feel like i'm not getting any of the spiritual nourishment that i truly need. I definitely understand that this is my own doing. Yet i'm not doing anything MYSELF to remedy the situation. I'm blaming God.

it hasnt always been this way. i used to feel so close. i used to go to him with everything...he truly was my best friend. what happened? what is happening?

God-please capture my heart. I need to move back...i dont want to be far from you.

I think that is why i'm here. He is using this solitude to bring me closer to him. closer than i have ever been. closer and closer. i'm going to feel that closeness again.

Papa, please help me. strengthen me. i need to feel close to you again. ♥

pray that i breathe soon...

a change of direction--i need a compass ♥

earlier today i decided to take half of my college stuff home. because of our recent flooding--i took an alternate route....maybe 10 minutes into my drive Mr. Wilkie called.

if you know anything about my life this sememster, you know that i applied for three different positions. 2 on campus...1 off campus. the two on campus were quickly shot down *for reasons unknown to me* and the third was completely given up on. I assumed that since i didnt get either of the other two, i wouldn't get the Siloam job either. I wanted soooo bad to work at Siloam Springs camp!

Well, Mr. Wilkie asked me to work at Siloam this summer. Just last week i turned in my housing application for an apartment on campus...confliction!

I told him that i would pray about it and get back to him this week.

As i was praying and reading my Bible, i found a reoccuring theme--worldly treasures and worry. My entire reason for NOT wanting to go to Siloam has been because of financial issues. I wanted to pay my car off, i wanted to buy pretty things, i wanted to feel secure, i didnt want to have to worry about having to have my parents help this fall.

Two specific passages stuck out to me--Luke 12:34 and Matthew 6:26.

Luke 12:34 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

My thoughts are too focused on these "treasures." Car, cell phone, cute new clothes, boating trips, shopping, movies. If i keep my eyes focused on these things... my heart will end up there as well... And frankly, i dont want my heart in my treasures, i want it in my Treasure :)

Matthew 6:26 "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

My God cares for me! He wants what is best for me! He doesnt want me to worry and He doesnt want me to feel obligated to take care of things that He has taken care of. He takes care of the sparrows and the little bluejays and even the emus. He cares that much for them.... think about how much He cares for me :) what a wonderful thought ♥

So--here is my conclusion--i am going to talk to my boss and ask her if i can come back after Siloam is over. God has given me this opportunity for a reason. I remember how much my leaders at church camp and even the people that were just kinda there to talk to affected me... i want to be there like that for someone else. I pray that God uses me to help at LEAST one person while i am there. I pray that He grows me in relationships with people and that He helps me to make new friendships.

Thank you for caring enough to read :) ♥

Bucket List :)

The Bucket List of My Life♥

5) be an individual. be a leader. be authentic. ♥

4) ride a plane

3) put my feetsies in the ocean

2) my next (and all the others after that) kiss to be with the man who will be my Husband♥

1) make my God smile and say- "Good job, my good and faithful servant."

my life is different than what i expected, and that's okay with me♥

so, my life is different than what i expected as a child... isn't it like that for all of us? well-my story is a little bit different.

here was my plan...
go to college, meet someone my freshman year-date someone my sophmore year-get engaged my junior year-get married my senior year. of course he is suppose to be a youth minister. i'd eventually be a stay at home mom and grow old with my wonderful godly husband.

but that is the problem... MY plan. not God's plan.

wanna hear a secret? God has a way of changing your plans into His plans... not His into yours.

SURPRISE!

God is showing me that my plans need to coincide with His. His plans are way more amazing than i could ever imagine. all too often it is very hard for me to remember that, but i'm getting better.

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this isnt a different topic... but it is a little bit different... so, bear with! :)

we watched A Walk to Remember in my room a little bit ago. Everytime i watch that movie, i think about my non-existant bucket list. i want to have a list of things to do before i die. things that will make my life more exciting, more fulfilling, and ultimately more amazing.

so, in another blog...maybe tonight...maybe another night... i'm going to blog my top 5 (at least) of what i want in life.

stay excellent :) ♥