The View from the Top

James and I went hiking today and he taught me a very important lesson.

As we were walking up this mountain I kept telling him to go ahead and that I would catch up with him at the top. I wanted him to walk with me, but I knew that my chubby, short legs were holding him back. You see, here is a little known fact about my dear husband- the man is basically a mountain goat. He has long and strong legs that power him up hills and mountains in less than half the steps it takes me. 

Even with all of my complaining and begging for him to go ahead, he stayed. He was either a few steps ahead, or a few steps behind me for the entire trek up our portion of the Appalachian Trail. 

When we reached the clearing we saw a beautiful view. There were mountains as far as the eye could see. Nothing but blue skies all the way. There was wind rustling through the leaves in the trees and even a short distance away there were a few college aged girls singing "Oceans" by Hillsong. It was magnificent. 

We stopped at the top for over an hour. We wrote in our journals, had some real talk, and just enjoyed nature. It was one of the best days I've had in a long time.

So why am I telling you all this? What is that very important lesson that I learned?

Life is one big huge mountain range. There are ups and downs. There are good times and there are bad times. If anyone knew me around 5 years ago, they would have known that I was absolutely on fire for God. I was having quiet times every day, I was consistently going to church, I felt closer to Him than I ever thought possible. People that know me now would never have any clue that I used to be that person. I mean, I'm not living a horrible life, we still go to church, but I don't have that fire that I used to have. I was on a mountain... now I'm in a valley. 

The funny thing about mountains? When you get to the top and you see the view- all of the blood, sweat, and tears are worth it. You don't want to go back down because you enjoy the top so much. But at the end of the day you walk back down the mountain. The way down is pretty easy. You still get tired, but it isn't as difficult as the way up was. That's life. When you are trying to get closer to God, it's hard. Sometimes you cry, you lose some blood along the way. He molds you into a stronger person with every step that you take. When you get to the top- you are so excited to just be in His presence that you never want to go back down to the valley. But eventually you take a couple steps down. You can still see the view, but there are some trees blocking the way. Then a couple more steps. Then a few more. Before you know it-you're back at the bottom. The mountain looks so daunting from the valley. As pretty as that view was, you know how hard it was the first time.

That's where I am in life. I'm sitting in the valley looking longingly at the mountaintop. But God- he's like my husband. He will stay with me the entire way up, never more than just a few steps away because He is so excited to show me the beauty and see my face when I get to the top. 

Today, I decided that I'm going to hike back up the mountain. It's going to be tough, and I'm going to get tired and I'm going to want to give up. But I'll have two hands holding mine all the way to the top. My husbands... and my God's. I will find that view again. 

...today my husband taught me an important lesson about learning to breathe...

Forgiveness: A Letter to the Boy who Raped Me

Dear Boy,
 Notice that I didn't refer to you as a man. No, this isn't a jab at your masculinity or saying that because of what you did- you aren't worth being called a man. I call you boy because that is what you were at the time. You were a hurting boy. You needed to feel loved and wanted it so much that you were forceful. Since that time... you've grown up into a wonderful man. So- why am I bringing up something that should be left in the past? Because I am still stuck in the past. I still have nightmares. There are moments when I can't allow my husband to love me and make love to me because I have flashbacks to seeing the tears fall down my own face in that window. I bring this up because at one time, I was able to forgive you. At one time, we talked through it and we worked through it. But for whatever reason, that dumbass devil keeps bringing it back up and torturing me with it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you were hurting so bad. I'm sorry that you felt that doing something like that would make you feel better. I'm sorry for any pain that it has caused you throughout the years. We were young. You were different. You've grown and changed. You love the Lord now and you are doing amazing things with your life and I am so incredibly proud of you. But I want you to know that I HATE the person that you were. I hate that you ruined me. I hate that I am living with issues that began 10 years ago and for whatever reason in the world- I can't work through them. But I don't hate you. I hate the situation. I went to a doctor today. A doctor that is going to help me get better. A doctor that knows the cause of all of the medical issues that I have- one that has the answers. During the initial consultation we talked about the three things that I have to fix in order for me to get healthy. 1- Physical. I have to fix physical toxins in my body. 2- Chemical. I have to rid my body of the chemical toxins that I face every day. 3- Emotional. I have to rid my brain of the emotional toxins that haunt me. If I don't fix all of these areas... I will die. I'll die before I hit 30. He has the means to help me with the physical and chemical, but it is up to me to fix the emotional toxins. You, boy, you are the biggest emotional toxin I have in my life. I have to find a way to forgive you and come to terms with everything that happened. Because of the fact that our lives are different now, I don't feel comfortable talking to you face to face, or even through a simple text. I apologize that this is my only way to speak with you. I forgive you. I do. I forgive you for the things that you did to me. I forgive you for feeling as though that was the only way that you could feel loved. I forgive you for the person that you were. Every time that Satan tries to throw those memories into my face, I promise that I will forgive you again. It will take some time and I promise that when I see you again I will silently whisper that I forgive you. Because, boy, forgiveness doesn't happen over night. Sometimes forgiveness takes time and effort. I forgive you. I do. I forgive you. 

And to the man you are now. I'm glad that you grew up. 

Sincerely, 
The Girl that Grew into a Woman.

....this is my way of remembering to breathe...