my new years vow ♥

"I'm crying out to you now as I make my new years vow.
I'll tell you I love you and I'll honor you somehow.
Hear my promise to you in my new years vow I give
You all of me.
You'll be all of my life and I'll never think twice to
do all that You have for me...
In my new years vow."  (Vow by Kutless)

welp--its time for those New Year's Resolutions i was talkin about the other day. it's kind of a bittersweet moment. part of me wants to change...but the other part *my sinful nature* is like--pshhh nawwww man! you got this, you can do whatever you want. SILENCE! i dont "got this" and i cant do whatever i want. i'm not my own...i'm His.

soooooooooo--with lots of thoughtfulness and prayer i am presenting yall with my new years Vows. i hope and pray that you will help me to stay true to these. like i said--this year is different. there isnt going to be a "oh crap, i messed up--i just give up" again. i'm changing myself and my life to better not only myself...but the work that He has for me. keep me in your prayers :)

My New Year's Resolutions Vows
          1. Be Self-controlled:being self-controlled in many ways such as--in doing my quiet time, in how i take care of my body, in how i take care of my finances, in how i spend my time, in the words coming out of my mouth, in memorizing scripture, in applying myself to my studies, in being happy with the place that God has me in my life. This one vow covers almost every single vow i have.

1 Peter 1:13- "Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed."
1 Peter 4:7- "The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray."
1 Peter 5:8- "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."

           2. Take my singleness as a Blessing:all too often i catch myself cursing God for my singleness. I need to step back everyday and realize that He has my life in His hands and His plans are bigger than i could ever imagine. His plans may or may not include a husband and i need to be grateful no matter the circumstance.

1 Corinthians 7: 34- "...An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world --how she can please her husband."

         3. Live life to the fullest!:so, if you know me...you know that i have an addiction to lists. I always make sure to do everything on my list, yet i rarely take a moment to just enjoy God's creation. Occasionally i go on walks and take a deep breath and relax, but not often. Living life to the fullest for me is making every attempt to enjoy the beauty that God has surrounded me with. I want to take walks, go fishing, pick flowers, get back into my photography, read a book for FUN, and add some energy to my life *oh looky there, i'm adding on to the self-control aspect yet again.* I'm gonna sing-though not well, i'm gonna dance-pathetically, and i'm gonna praise the One who gives me every breath i take.

Psalm 118:24- "This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Proverbs 17:22- "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

Ephesians 5:19-20~ "Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Psalm 104:34- "May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the Lord."

:) keep me in your prayers this year. now i wanna know your vows!!!!

"Its a new year this year is different
From the other ones..." (Vow by Kutless)
i'm breathing...

snails see the benefits♥

in three days we will all be ringing in the new year...i know at this same time last year i was trying to make my "resolutions." you know! those things that you write down, pledge to, and commit to for maybe a week?? yeaah, those things.

well...this years different.
my life is in a completely different place now, my friends are different, my habits have changed, and i have an opportunity to better myself--to better my life.

so, *prepares a toast* here's to things changing. january first will be the beginning of a new year, a new life, a new me. *quotes line from one of my favorite movies* "We are each going to make a toast for change. And what that means is from this moment on, every voice that told you 'you can't' is silenced. Every reason that tells you that things will never change disappears. And the person you were before this moment, that person's turn is over, now's your turn."

so what are you going to change?

my "resolutions" will be up in the next couple days :) get yours up too!♥

i'm helping myself...
breathe.

a deep longing♥

i have a deep crave, a longing, a need...
after my recent realization of my hate of 'real talk' i have made yet another realization...
i crave it...
i need it.

i'm tired of all this mindless chatter... frankly, its pretty pathetic.
what ever happend to having a deep conversation with someone?
i figured out that only once...in my ENTIRE 19 years have i had a DEEP DEEP conversation with someone...
sadly...
that was about a month ago...
shortly after our 'deep conversation' we quit talking entirely.

sad isnt it?
i'm not entirely sure what i did to make you run...maybe it was my testimony? maybe it was the fact that yours didnt scare me? i dont know...
but i really miss talking to you...
not that you'll read this... nor do you probably care...

anyhow...i TRIED having this conversation with my 'best friend' the other night and she flipped on me saying you cant "beg" for real, deep conversation... so, if you do read this*anyone*dont take it as me begging... this is my rant...
im just frustrated is all...

trying to find a way to ...
breathe.

terrified of getting close ♥

excuse me, but...i think i have a problem...
i'm terrified of getting close to people...

so, i was talking to one of my 'close friends' last night *sometimes i truly wonder about our closeness* and we got into a pretty heated discussion...
not a fight...
not a disagreement...
just a discussion.

after our conversation was over...i apologized for the possibility of upsetting him...
he said something along the lines of "thats what real talk is about."

my realization?

REAL TALK SCARES ME!

i realized that i am always too caught up in not hurting peoples feelings that i never say what i REALLY think. ive always thought i was a very blunt person...but apparently not...

i'm not entirely sure whether this is a good or bad thing...
but i'm getting to know myself slowly...
i'm learning to ...

breathe.

STOP! if you dont want to read a rant...go elsewhere...

STOP! i'm serious...

oh well, your call...

i'm sick of being human. i KNOW i need God. i KNOW without Him i am nothing. i KNOW that when i mess up one thing...everything else falls behind it.

if i KNOW this then why the crap do i keep thinking that i can do it on my own!?!?!

i finally get all of my marbles in a straight line--my quiet time is wonderful--i'm okay with being single--i'm trusting God with everything...
then i come back here...
my 'home'

and i fail...yet again. i fall... i breakdown and stop doing my quiet time...i get angry at Him for my singleness...i start leaning on myself and what i 'can' do.

why do i do this every time?! every stinkin time... please keep me in your prayers as i get my life back on track...yet again...

"I'll take you back always
And even when your fight is over now
Even when your fight is over now
I'll take you back always
And even when the pain is coming through
Even when the pain is coming through
I'll take you back"
 -Take You Back lyrics --Jeremy Camp

God, teach me to breathe...

all i want out of life♥

so tonight after Christmas in the Cove we went back to Dr. Thompson's house. there was a little old woman there who had cancer... i believe her name was Mrs. Jackie. She had to be around 90 years old... Dr. Williams is the one who gave her a job here in 1965. The whole room of people sat and listened to her talk for about an hour after we got there. She told stories of mission work she did and people she met. She kept saying things like, "the Lord knows what he ought to do with me" and "He knows best." You couldnt help but listen to this frail old lady...she had such a presence...such wisdom.

i dont know how, but that small hour of time in the same room showed me a lot. All i want in life is to make God smile. i want to waltz into heaven hearing Him say, "Good job, my child, youve done well." that is ALL i want out of life.

Dear God, thank you for teaching me to ....
....breathe.

the little things in life♥

so earlier today a bunch of us girls were sitting in my suitemates room...
in between their beds there is a fiberoptic Christmas tree.


Kristy sat there in absolute AWE of the fiber optics... after sitting and staring for a while she broke out of a daze and said simply, "I'm glad I don't have epilepsy." It struck all of us as funny, but she pressed on and said..."because i wouldnt be able to enjoy the Christmas tree without having seizures.


Though to all of us girls, it was humerous...In all reality--we SHOULD be thankful to God for the little things in life.


--being able to enjoy a fiberoptic tree without having seizures.
--being able to eat without help
--being able to walk ourselves to the bathroom
--being given the eyesight to see a little kid playing with an ant on the ground.


We take so much for granted! It really is frustrating to see such spoiled people...even from a human point of view.
but, how do you think the Creator feels?
do you think He's happy that only a select few people thank Him for what He has given them?


In Luke 17:11-19, Luke tells the story of the Ten Healed of Leprosy. The story is as follows:
               Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. As he was going into a village ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance and called out in a loud voice, "Jesus, Master, have pity on us!"
               When he saw them, he said, "Go show yourselves to the priests." And as they went, they were cleansed.
               One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus' feet and thanked him-and he was a Samaritan.
               Jesus asked, "Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?" Then he said to him, "Rise and go; your faith has made you well." (NIV)

Ten men. Did you get that?! TEN MEN were healed of leprosy and only ONE came back! ONE!

How is that even fair? Here Christ was healing the men from a disease that segregated them from society...and they didnt even come back and say thank you. Are we like that? How often do we sit there and not think twice about seeing a flower on the ground? How many times do we get angry that the sound of the rooster crowing wakes us up? What about the people that have never seen flowers? Those who--will NEVER see color, only imagining how beautiful the world must be--from stories they hear people telling them. What about the people who NEVER get the chance to hear a rooster crow? or a baby giggle? or the sound of rain tapping on a tin roof. What about those people? I bet they would be grateful to see or hear for just one minute of their life.

We need to step back and look at our lives. We need to give thanks to the One who deserves it. God has given us so many little things to praise him for...
so why dont we do it?

God is teaching me how to step back and ultimately how to...

breathe.

You Make Everything Glorious!♥

Today's Collide=Simply Wonderful
Chad spoke of our sins and struggles that keep us from being who God wants us to be...
 my biggest struggle these days?
----Self Esteem

After Chad was through speaking, Sam led us in worship...
low and behold...what do we sing?

YOU MAKE EVERYTHING GLORIOUS -by David Crowder
the lyrics say:
You make everything Glorious.
You make everything Glorious.
You make everything Glorious.
  And I am yours.

SO WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME?

can you say ouch, crap, dang?

God just seems to be dropkicking me repeatedly with this...
He molded every part of me...He made me EXACTLY how He wanted me....
who am i to say that He didnt do good enough?
who am i to say that He didnt do this or that right?
who am i to critique HIS creation?

---ouch, crap, dang.

so my prayer this week...and for my life...
is for me to be happy with how the KING does things...
Cause... He definately knows better than a simpleminded human like me...

Thank you, Papa, for exactly how you created me. Thank you for every hair on my head. Thank you for the way my hands move and the way my heart beats. Thank you for my little ears and my big nose. Thank you for whoever may read my blog. God, i pray that you will help them with whatever they are going through. God, help them to realize that they are beautiful♥ *MEN CAN BE BEAUTIFUL TOO!*
Amen...

i'm finally learning to breathe...

do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires♥

In my small group, we are working through Elisabeth Elliot's Passion and Purity *wonderful book, just sayin*.
--anyways
God has been showing me a lot about myself throughout this semester:

• He has bigger plans for me than i could possibly imagine
• He knows what he is doing.
• He doesnt OWE me a husband

and most importantly:

• I AM CURRENTLY NOT MATURE ENOUGH FOR A RELATIONSHIP!

well, what does the devil want!?
--for me to think that God doesnt have my life in His hands
--for me to think that God DOES owe me a husband.
and most importantly:
--THAT I AM MATURE ENOUGH FOR A RELATIONSHIP!

so what now you may ask?
-this boy has weaseled his way into my life.
he is extremely attractive
and super nice.
-Christian-

problem?
there is no mutual feelings whatsoever.
--i'm not his type.
thats fine with me.

other problem?
i cant get this kid out of my head.
--no really--i cant.

I know God wants what is best for me--and right now, i know that a relationship is definately not what is best. keep me in your prayers as i get over my "crush"

i'm learning to...
breathe.

country music can change a life♥

♫Toby Keith-My List♥
everyday i have a new list that i commit myself to completing. usually it consists of: quiet time, find and destroy the watch*because of this one, my list never gets done*, psychology notecards, other assorted homeworks, clean, laundry.
what ever happened to things like: relax, go for a walk, enjoy praising God--the Creator of everything in this world, take a nap, watch a movie, call a random person back home, volunteer to do something for someone else.
what is up with my lists?

there are so many more important things to do--i need to relax and learn to...
breathe.

i'm becoming that nerd who sits in a coffee shop and blogs--yay :)

This whole break from school thing has been beyond one of the hardest things to deal with--if you know my daddy...you know he is strong...
when i say strong...
i mean STRONG.
he never lets anyone see his pain...
or his fatigue...
--Lacking a better way to say it... i'll say this-- my daddy, he's not going to be around much longer.
my strong willed daddy...i dont think he will see another Thanksgiving...so trying to make this one his best has been a task...quite the task.
I know that God has a plan with everything...but i dont want Him to take him yet... i'm not ready for that.

And... my brother--my sweet little big brother (mentally--younger,age wise--older) is back in rehab.
why you may ask?
he tried to kill himself.
news to me--thanks family for letting your dear daughter know.
maybe this is the last straw? maybe this is God's way of getting ahold of him and telling him--look, here's the way--walk in it!
i can only hope.
again...God has a plan--but i dont like the way He executes those plans...

be in prayer for my family--life's hard... i'm learning to breathe♥