capture my heart again

so, i think i figured out why i felt like God wanted me to stick around on campus this summer *p.s. for those of you who didnt know-i felt led to stay on campus instead of working at Siloam this summer. i felt like i was going for the wrong reasons and i just didnt feel at peace.*

He has so much work still to do in me...before i can even attempt to help others/minister to them. when i went to Nashville-He was working more on me than i felt like working through me *although i know He worked through all of us who went*

I have been so stagnant in my faith. even when things get better and i am doing my quiet time and everything... i'm still so incredibly stagnant that...i don't feel close to him.

I don't do this often...actually-i've never done it before...but i think that today is fitting.
i'm gonna let yall into a page of my prayer journal...

5/20 4:15pm
Papa,
    I'm grateful for who you are. i'm grateful for your forgiveness and your love. i'm grateful for your unending wonder. Thank you for being merciful. Thank you for your son. I'm just...i'm not getting any spiritual stimulation....i'm sick I'm spiritually sick and i dont feel like you are doing anything to remedy the situation.
 God, i know you love me...but why does it seem like you arent concerned with my measly problems? why do i feel so lost and disconnected? why don't i feel like spending time with you? why do i avoid spiritual conversations? why don't i long for you? why have I moved so far away?
      Capture my heart again.

As sad as it is... it is the truth. I feel like i'm not getting any of the spiritual nourishment that i truly need. I definitely understand that this is my own doing. Yet i'm not doing anything MYSELF to remedy the situation. I'm blaming God.

it hasnt always been this way. i used to feel so close. i used to go to him with everything...he truly was my best friend. what happened? what is happening?

God-please capture my heart. I need to move back...i dont want to be far from you.

I think that is why i'm here. He is using this solitude to bring me closer to him. closer than i have ever been. closer and closer. i'm going to feel that closeness again.

Papa, please help me. strengthen me. i need to feel close to you again. ♥

pray that i breathe soon...