Forgiveness: A Letter to the Boy who Raped Me

Dear Boy,
 Notice that I didn't refer to you as a man. No, this isn't a jab at your masculinity or saying that because of what you did- you aren't worth being called a man. I call you boy because that is what you were at the time. You were a hurting boy. You needed to feel loved and wanted it so much that you were forceful. Since that time... you've grown up into a wonderful man. So- why am I bringing up something that should be left in the past? Because I am still stuck in the past. I still have nightmares. There are moments when I can't allow my husband to love me and make love to me because I have flashbacks to seeing the tears fall down my own face in that window. I bring this up because at one time, I was able to forgive you. At one time, we talked through it and we worked through it. But for whatever reason, that dumbass devil keeps bringing it back up and torturing me with it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you were hurting so bad. I'm sorry that you felt that doing something like that would make you feel better. I'm sorry for any pain that it has caused you throughout the years. We were young. You were different. You've grown and changed. You love the Lord now and you are doing amazing things with your life and I am so incredibly proud of you. But I want you to know that I HATE the person that you were. I hate that you ruined me. I hate that I am living with issues that began 10 years ago and for whatever reason in the world- I can't work through them. But I don't hate you. I hate the situation. I went to a doctor today. A doctor that is going to help me get better. A doctor that knows the cause of all of the medical issues that I have- one that has the answers. During the initial consultation we talked about the three things that I have to fix in order for me to get healthy. 1- Physical. I have to fix physical toxins in my body. 2- Chemical. I have to rid my body of the chemical toxins that I face every day. 3- Emotional. I have to rid my brain of the emotional toxins that haunt me. If I don't fix all of these areas... I will die. I'll die before I hit 30. He has the means to help me with the physical and chemical, but it is up to me to fix the emotional toxins. You, boy, you are the biggest emotional toxin I have in my life. I have to find a way to forgive you and come to terms with everything that happened. Because of the fact that our lives are different now, I don't feel comfortable talking to you face to face, or even through a simple text. I apologize that this is my only way to speak with you. I forgive you. I do. I forgive you for the things that you did to me. I forgive you for feeling as though that was the only way that you could feel loved. I forgive you for the person that you were. Every time that Satan tries to throw those memories into my face, I promise that I will forgive you again. It will take some time and I promise that when I see you again I will silently whisper that I forgive you. Because, boy, forgiveness doesn't happen over night. Sometimes forgiveness takes time and effort. I forgive you. I do. I forgive you. 

And to the man you are now. I'm glad that you grew up. 

Sincerely, 
The Girl that Grew into a Woman.

....this is my way of remembering to breathe...